Living a Metaphor [entries|friends|calendar] The Ghost of a Total Stranger [ website | behind the willow of years long passed ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I'm Back...Maybe [09 Jul 2009|12:43am] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Terry Poison ] So much has happened to me in the last 9 months it's almost impossible to fathom. My hands are burning, I cannot feel my feet: this was not how my life was meant to be. My life has been on the rinse cycle, indefinitely. It's no wonder I feel I'm going down. I will take revenge on myself, and it will be sweet. I will sing for my pain and drink the air. My last cigarette will be bitter sweet, yet lead to all things hopeful. comme ci comme ca. conspiracy theories.

Chicken [10 Oct 2008|04:30pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | the noise of a fork-lift ] I'm starving and all I can think of are 1,000 ways to cook a chicken. Is that weird? Although, at this point I'd eat just about anything...that wasn't mooing in its previous life. Shit, it's been four months since my last post, and I just realized not a damn thing has happend...besides everyday events. I feel like all I do it work, yard work, pay bills, and occasionally eat and sleep. I'm constantly tired and it's been this way for about two months now. I need to go to the doctor for a rutine checkup, and maybe blood work? I always have to strange fear that whenever I get blood work done the doctor is going to tell me I have cancer. wtf? I over analize to the point of paranoia. It's rather frustrating, but I've learned to deal with my OCD. *I am now an uncle. I am proud to say Conor DeLeon Kay Arrendondo is the most beautiful baby in world. Me love him lots. I can't wait to teach him stuff. Of course educational, but never boring. Maybe I'll teach him really annoying songs when he gets old enough and then he can go home to mommy and daddy and sing them all day long. Also, lots of caffine and sugar. Yes, I am liking this uncle business much more now. In other news, I HATE my job! I've come to rather loath this facility. I wish the job market didn't suck. I really want to work somewhere that would pay me at least 14 to 15 an hour. That would be awesome, and hey, if they wanted to give me more! I've become money hungry. Everything has a dollar sign on it. I think it's due to the horrible situation our economy is in. stupid president. did I mention how hungry I am? *NOTE: if your name happens to be Deanna and you're related to me you cannot read the astriked paragraph. conspiracy theories.

My Nose just Bled [05 Jun 2008|06:00pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Katy Perry ] It’s been quite a while since I’ve braved lj. Looks basically the way I left it. Much has happened, but I’ll get to the important parts (don’t want to bore you with useless detail). The good parts lead to my climatic move to Lakeland. I enjoy living on my own, being able to move freely and do as I wish with no consequence (unless I allow it to be put to question). I of course have a room mate, but that would be the throws of living in a house and not an apartment. I’m very happy to be living with someone than by myself. Being alone is frightening, especially when it’s dark and the only voice you have is your own. I’d feel very paranoid. After moving in everything started off great, until my engine died in my car and I had to use my insurance to pay for it. $8396 dollars later, BAM, new engine. Boomer runs as if she were just birthed from the factory. Loving it; not loving the $1000 dollar deductible I had to pay. I’ll be paying that one off for a while. Yes, there are drawbacks to moving out of the rents house, but I’m used to pay check to pay check living. I’m just happy it’s weekly and I make enough to survive. Gas is outrageous, groceries are in a close second, rent is great, and what I have left for myself is enough to dabble in a bit of fun. I need new pants, BADLY. Also, new shoes would suffice, but I’ll have to start saving for those. I haven’t been too sleep since Midnight last night… I feel like my brain is going to melt out of my ears and my eyes pop from their socket. I cannot wait to go too bed tonight. I think I shall sleep gracefully or perhaps just sleep like exhaustion was my best friend and a pillow as my lover. Well, I am sort of hungry, but not so much that I feel uncomfortable…now that Dee is here I am sure she’ll want something food-wise. Pregnant chicks sure can eat loads. 1 conspiracy theories.

Beauty is Bone Deep [19 Dec 2007|12:09pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Tilly and the Wall ] I was going to expound on this post, but forgot in my drug induced haze. I had to go to urgent care Tuesday night because of a massive infection on my belly. What I thought was an ingrown hair turned out to be much worse. I tried to take care of it at home through some "home remedy" my grandmother told me about. It seemed to be working at first, but then it just got worse. The area turned into an open wound and it was oozing loads of nasty "stuff's." The procedure took about 15 mintues, but it was probably the worst 15 of my life thus far. The "numbing agent" only worked for like 10 seconds and it didn't seem relavent since it stung for the whole 30 seconds she was jabbing my belly with the needle. After this she had to make an incission which burned...badly. Then she had to push the gunk out... yeah it was enough to fill a cup half-full... then she had to wash it out and pack it. Now i'm on massive pain killers and am about to go get it re-packed. Wish me luck! On another note: I have to go Christmas shopping today... also looking back on this picture I miss the thinness I was. 3 conspiracy theories.

[19 Nov 2007|04:59pm] Haiku2 for ihate_metaphors sun beaming down on my hips the dark mark on my hips the dark mark on @ aboutmylife.netadvogato.orgblogger.comblogs.gnome.orgblogspot.comdeadjournal.comgreatestjournal.cominsanejournal.comlivejournal.commyspace.comspaces.msn.com Created by Grahame 1 conspiracy theories.

Apartment Shopping [17 Oct 2007|03:08pm] [ mood | creative ] So, I've been looking at appartments online (I should probably be getting more work done but this is much more interesting). I've found some nice areas and "good" apartments. Some are crazy expensive, and the apartments i've always wanted to move into are just that. The space is small and the rent would be like ripping my arm off, somehow killing a duck in the process, and then beating me over the head until I was later found by meth feinds. And you know what meth feinds would do... Probably pwn me like they do on Halo. It sucks when you don't want to spend more than 450-500 a month on rent, but that's why having a room mate comes in handy. This whole experience excites me. Getting out on my own, making my own way, not having to answer to anyone but myself (other than bill collectors)... I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I think making a life for myself and starting fresh is what i need. I've been pretty down lately and not too sure what to think of myself. I think, deep down, i want something to show for. Plus, I get to live with my best friend: the one person who will be there for me no matter what. We've been through a lot this past year and moving on is what we need. A fresh start. Clean slate. However you want to put it. I know it's completely selfish and somewhat vein of me, but his boyfriend is a hair stylist. I need to buy the new Radiohead album. I cannot wait until the boxset comes out in December. I've been itching to go to Best Buy and go nuts on cds, tv shows, and movies. It's been a long while since i've induldged in myself. I know that sounded totally creepy but I assure you I am no where close to being narcissistic. Maybe alcoholic, but that's another story for another post in another time. Would it be weird if my next tattoo was a pinup girl the side of my arm? I still need to get my stars on my chest and my birds on my hips. The "dark mark" on my left wrist and some sort of galaxy tattoo. 7 conspiracy theories.

trivial unawareness [15 Oct 2007|01:47am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | the frail ] apparently I become oblivious when guys like me. I somehow fail to see the flirtatiousness and mistaken it for a kind smile and some conversation. is there a cream for this? p.s. i'm moving soon. josh and i are getting a place together. we're going to look at some appartments by lake mirror, or was it morton? anyhow they've just been renovated and from what i hear they're nice and 675 a month for a 2 bedroom. i hope this happends, it would make my current situation much easier and it will probably make me happy. i haven't been feeling too happy lately. 8 conspiracy theories.

i can't... [21 Aug 2007|03:06am] [ mood | infuriated ] do this anymore. my heart can't take it. i'm tired, frustrated, annoyed, and disapointed. i can't even go out anymore without being trash talked. i haven't done anything to anyone. i'm kind, sweet, good to hang around. at least i thought so. am i a horrible person? should i be talked about? should i feel like the fatest person in the room? i wanted to cry tonight. i can't believe i'd call these people my friends. investing time into people i truely enjoyed, and then to be talked about 2 feet away? i just can't open my heart anymore. i want too, but i just don't have the will anymore. i don't want to think the worst in people. it sucks, but i'm done being walked on. i'm not some carpet to be treaded on; dirt stains silently smeared and covered in the colors of fabric. fuck that, and fuck anyone who had anything negative to say about me. i know who i am, i'm a true individual: i tell the truth, i'll call you out on your shit, and i'll be there for you unconditionally. talk about me, sure. i'm gald i'm that important. 8 conspiracy theories.

losing a soul mate... [17 Aug 2007|08:07pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Jump little children-- Mexico ] is quite possibly the most difficult scenario to take part in. Watching that person, as an observer, is awkward and unsettling enough. Trying to imagine being the one who has lost; I have no words for that feeling. In this I say goodbye to a good man. I may not have known you as most others have, but your presence and personality was felt through your wife and for that I thank you. Peggy, I love you, and I wish your heart what comfort it can find in this difficult and awkward time. As empty as she may feel I hope she knows she has a strong support system, even one waiting for her back at work. The funeral was very peaceful; as peaceful as one could be. The service was nice, and as I stood there I thought about when I lost my great grandfather. How I stood there on that sunny-crisp afternoon. The sun beaming down on my face and my sunglass sheltering my eyes from not only the bright consuming light but from the swollenness of my eyes (due to the tears silently falling from my eyes); I remember standing there when we bore his casket to the sight of his grave. Surrounded by all of those people; all of those people who loved and lived with him throughout his life. The intensity of that day was apparent in my posture and the strain in my voice. All I could think was, “there was something better out there.” because someone as amazing has he was...nothing less of a destination was expected. Before I left today, I bent down towards the distinguished form of my co-worker and gave her a warm smile and an all consuming hug. I remember hoping I absorbed some of the days’ immense weight, and told her that I loved her. I think hearing the trueness of my friendship was better than my sorrow for her loss. I hope I can find someone who will encompass and maintain the love that Peggy and Ronnie built and nurtured as one. May your souls someday reconnect… conspiracy theories.

[03 Jul 2007|04:04am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | sage francis ] i miss companionship. then again how can one miss what they've never really had? 2 conspiracy theories.

[29 Jun 2007|03:59pm] i'm at work right now, and all i want to do is beat my head against a wall. at least then i'd have something to concentrate on in the midst of all this bordum. five o'clock, hurry up!!!! 2 conspiracy theories.

my night... [23 Jun 2007|03:50am] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | sigur ros ] was fabulous. i got uber drunk, then ran down the street and fell on my ass. my right side is numb and i may have broken my ankle, but i'm too drunk too care. good night and goodbye. i'm done with this shit. my leg looks like a dead cat. 6 conspiracy theories.

[22 Jun 2007|03:04am] [ mood | blah ] [ music | "sleep well unmastered" emzy collins ] laying in bed i try to figure myself out. now that it's just me and my conscious, alone. no interuptions, i realized i have no clue. i'm at a loss with myself. sometimes i'll stare in the bathroom mirror for minutes at a time and hardly recognize the person staring back. i stare so hard my face is no longer a face, but a blurr of shapes and misconceptions. maybe i misconcieve? getting to know your self is harder than it sounds. you can spend your entire life trying to figure you out. at this rate i'll be lucky if i can remember who i am in 10 years. then i begin to think, if you don't recognize your self then what makes you think other people will? am i holding myself back? what am i so afraid of? i want to put my guard down, but it's not that simple. once a part of yourself is taken from you it's hard to get that back, if you ever can. i think i've spent my time filling that hole with alcohol and anything else i can get my hands on. i want to make a connection with someone, more than anything. i want for a guy to wonder about me. who's this ken? what's he thinking? how's he feeling? what makes him tick? okay, so maybe writing that out makes it seem like i want a stalker, but i just want to know boys think about me, is that so hard a concept? i'm sure i sound like a premadona, but fuck that. the one thing i want more than anything is to lie in bed with a guy and fall asleep in one another's arms. to burry my head in his neck and feel safe. anyway, i think i'll go back to bed. all of this thinking depresses me further. 5 conspiracy theories.

[19 Jun 2007|02:01am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | emzy collins ] some where i think i lost my grip, or maybe i never had one. i feel like i have ghost hands: i reach out, i touch, but somehow my connection is lost. i try to make a connection, to open myself to the possibility, but it doesn't last. my hands slip through and somehow i'm forgotten. i wonder if i faded out like a ghost if i'd be noticed, or would my presence be a vague familiarity? you recognize it's warmth, but cannot quite place its origin. i journal to clear my mind, not to fill pages with my words. i don't feel i have any words of wisdom or catchy phrases to remember. actually my thoughts verge on boring and plain. i write these words for the sake of my sanity. sometimes i think if i stay in my head all day i'll wake up less of a person and more a monster of my own paranoia. everyday i'm tired. i'm so tired i almost never wake up in time. i try to sleep as much as possbile, which is quite ironic for someone whose afraid to fall asleep. i don't like to miss anything, but lately i've realized i'm not missing anything. i just miss what i think i would find worth seeing, but really seeing what i feel is worth my observations could be saved after a nice sleep. it's funny sometimes to think about childhood. i used to think so simply. waking up was a chance to play outside. the grass was my blanket and the sky was every possibility plausable in my mind. the streets were something of a caustionary tale. no talking to strangers, look both ways before you cross, always say please and thank you, brush your teeth after meals, shower before bedtime, and have sweet dreams. such simple rules to live by, why can't adult hood be that simple? what is 'simple' but an adjective used to discribe what's in plain sight. the other day was father's day, and somehow i felt this hollow feeling. i realized no matter how much i wished my grandfather a happy day, i would never really be able to utter the actual phrase. i just hope my faather feels bad on 2 days out of every year: father's day (for the lousy role he played) and my birthday (that which he galdly forgets). i'm told not to dwell on the negative things in life, but what if you've spent so long focusing on the negative that you forget how to appricate the positive? everyone leaves at some point. that's why i say not to get too close. getting too close only leads you into disapointment, because one day they'll leave, and you'll be left hanging with a heavy feeling in your chest. you'll never breathe the same. that sullen look will become a bit deeper. you say you'll always be there; it's till the end you see, but not really. in the end there is nothing...blank pages always follow, but are left blank for you to smudge a thought or two; an impression. sleep well ghost hands... 1 conspiracy theories.

This past weekend [14 Jun 2007|10:13pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Bjork ] was nothing short of strange and awkward (meags, you need to call me so i can tell you what you missed out on...). well, i get paid on monday and i'm finally going to get my radiohead tattoo's. yay! okay, so i need some moral support (being that they are my first). anyone what to join me? you get too look at me topless. i'm just sayin'. also, i have other tattoo ideas. i was thinking of putting some poetry on my wrists. stuff that has helped me over the past 3 years of my 'fucked' life. i was originally going to get a neck tattoo of the one poem that has always touched me, but now that i work in an office that's not going to fly by very well with my bosses. stupid office "rules." the first poem is called "Lovers for Lilly," "Boys with faces like calm puddles begging to be messied up stirred aroused deliver themselves to her doorstep messy hair morning mouth She welcomes them in entertains their curiosity with the dry well. the empty wealth of her years Lovers for Lilly she eats them like fruit cake. Lovers for Lilly she collected them like flies Lovers for Lilly (are always good-byes)." the second poem is "Someone to Know Me," At first it seemed shocking but now the idea tickles my tongue. and intrigues my curiosity beyond the ability to rationalize or resist: I want to live with you! I want to wake each morning in your arms comforted by your oddness seduced by your knowledge of my ways. I want to care for you brush your hair put lotioin on your scars and pet you at bedtime, watching your eyes close slow like a child's heavy with the thousand things that filled your day." the third, and most personal, "I Keep Expecting You To," "I keep expecting you to fade to wake up one morning and not care so I keep myself one carefully measured step away in anticipation of your loves decline so when your cheek turns and your attentions wanders elsewhere my heart will not be left all awkward hanging from an elastic thread you forgot to pull off your old pair of socks for it's in your nature to lose interest suddenly we are both artists who suck the marrow out of each lovely bone It just happens to be my lovely bones this time How Bare." Then there are the birds (swallows) i'm getting on my hips later this summer. i'm just excited that i can actually afford this shit, now. well that's all, for tonight. my mind has saturated enough of the day... 6 conspiracy theories.

ruffies and emotional wrecks... [01 Jun 2007|11:25pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | damien rice ] are not cool. stooopid. so, i just finished reading a journal post from jessie about how she felt, (feels?) about our friendships. i'm going to be open, for once, and say that it sucks. it sucks that she honestly thought i was locking her out of OUR house, a few weeks ago. how would i have a "personal vendetta" against her? that one really hurt too read. why can't you ever tell my how you feel inside? you never voice your frustrations that you have with me. I'm saying this because i love you*; i'm not trying to upset you, but next time you have these sort of ideas or issues with me tell me. you're one of the only people in this world i truely let in and it sucks to know you feel this way. val, thank you for the phone call earlier tonight. it was nice to get that out of my system. also, i think that weird ruffie thingy has passed. i took a shower and i feel much better. there will be no fading to black for me, this night. tata, there is so much i could say, and you already know, but you are probably the most understanding and quiet frankly badass person i've ever come to know. thank you for being blood and having a hand in who i am today. i'm so glad i have you too rant incoherently too. our talks really do get me through the day. i was so ready to cry, earlier. i'm tired of this secret fued my family has become. everyone talks about one another behind their back, and i'm tired of being the ear on the other end. this house has become a shell of itself, and the amount of negativity is sickening. i'm half depressed because of this place. i'm constantly unhappy, and i don't have any real reason. i've emotionally cut myself off, and i'm sick of "dealing" with this all. i hope your new empire is worth it. *i wish you truely knew how much i love you. 7 conspiracy theories.

back... [29 May 2007|02:51am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | paulson ] from key largo. i have to say i had an amazing time, albiet, short but all together fun. i already miss my other half. my left arm has begun to feel useless, yet again. jessie, won't you sow me back together? i think, i wouldn't hate living in key largo. it's so relaxed and laid back that no one seems to worry about much of anything. plus the guys are hot with their hot bodies, and yeah. also, i'd love to work on a boat for a living and have the sun on me constantly, then party it up with the locals. i'd never feel like i had to work a day in my life. the people down there have interesting backgrounds. thus, i will be making another trip in the near future. this time for a bit longer. i also was able to experience miami for the first time. i like what i saw; mental note: plan a trip. the only thing i have to say that i hated was the drive. worst ever. there is nothing and i do mean NOTHING to look at the whole five hours you're driving. Then to drive by yourself sucks so good. I swear i went a bit crazy. i was talking to myself a bit more than i usually do. i almost made a "wilson," how scary is that? 4 conspiracy theories.

heading out [25 May 2007|08:33pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | damien rice ] for the keys tomorrow morning. i'm excited to get away from polk county for a few days; i really need this. seeing jess will be the hilight of my weekend. key west too, but mainly jess. and just to let you know, don't be an idiot like me and wait until today to try and find a vacancy at a resort or hotel, especially when it's a big vacation-holiday weekend. i'm glad i get to stay with jess or one of her friends' house. still waiting on gavin's call for a yes or a no, boys: le sigh... conspiracy theories.

torn... [20 May 2007|02:58pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | Rihanna ] is what i've become to this website. should i break out my rusty thinking machine and continue to write mindless rubbish, or should i just pretend i forgot my password, and thus cannot access this place. too many decisions to make, whatever will a boy do? hmmm... i honestly think the only reason why i even decided to post here again was because i came to the relization that i only truely look at two websites when i'm online. Once i realized this i felt lame, so i figured i'd just start using this place, once again, that way i could say, "i look at three websites now?" ugh, i = lame. anyhow, there is this song i have recently come to know. The lyrics could be played with more, as the metaphore for protection couldn't be more lame, BUT in saying that the song is sweet. Plus Rihanna is effing beautiful. i need her to start modeling this instant. she'd make gorgeous editorially. plus the music video is hott. she is nakey in silver paint and doing these cool posey things. lyrics to 'Umbrella' by Rihanna, Jay-Z: Ahuh Ahuh (Yea Rihanna) Ahuh Ahuh (Good girl gone bad) Ahuh Ahuh (Take three... Action) Ahuh Ahuh No clouds in my storms Let it rain, I hydroplane into fame (Rihanna: Eh eh) Come'n down with the Dow Jones When the clouds come we gone We Rocafella (Rihanna: Eh eh) She fly higher than weather And she rocks it better You know me An anticipation for precipitation, stacks chips for the rainy day(Rihanna: Eh eh) Jay, rain man is back with lil Ms. Sunshine Rihanna where you at? [VERSE 1] You had my heart, and we'll never be world apart Maybe in magazines, but you'll still be my star Baby cause in the Dark, You can see shiny Cars And that's when you need me there With you I'll always share Because [CHORUS] When the sun shines We’ll shine together Told you I'll be here forever That I'll always be your friend Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my Umbrella You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh) [VERSE 2] These fancy things, will never come in between You're part of my entity, Here for Infinity When the war has took it's part When the world has dealt it's cards If the hand is hard, Together we'll mend your heart Because .. [CHORUS] [Umbrella lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com] When the sun shines We'll shine together Told you I'll be here forever That I'll always be your friend Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my Umbrella You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh) [BRIDGE] You can run into my Arms It's okay don't be alarmed (Come into Me) (There's no distance in between our love) So Gonna let the rain pour I'll be all you need and more Because .. [CHORUS] When the sun shines We'll shine Together Told you I'll be here forever That I'll always be your friend Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end Now that it's raining more than ever Know that we still have each other You can stand under my Umbrella You can stand under my Umbrella (Ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh) Under my umbrella (ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh) It's raining (raining) Ooo baby it's raining baby come into me Come into me It's raining (raining) Ooo baby it's raining You can always come into me Come into me...... 2 conspiracy theories.

it's been... [19 May 2007|11:17pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | circa survive ] a while since i've written here. a while since i've allowed my thoughts to pour from my mind. if this were paper my pen would bleed. it's always difficult to begin an entry, like hesitating before saying something profound; not that anything i have to say would fall under the catagory of 'profound.' i have a new job. (cheers to me). i think i'm still having congratulations beers for my success, it's been two months now? i love making 12 dollars an hour it makes my wallet feel heavier. an important individual left. i've been trying to postpone the sadness; i hate goodbyes (never been good at them). i hope this individual returns feeling refreshed and driven. i know issues, seemingly unimportant, are a catalist, but isn't that always the problem? face shit. i don't like facing much of anything. i just want to live in my little world and be happy with what i have, but that's not real life. i'm tired of drama's sticky little fingers touching me. i've finally decided to move out and nest on my own. i need a change of venue and a break from the drama in this house. thinking about getting an apartment excites me. i contantly daydream of decorating it. i think of my roommate. i think of all the memories we'll make. why am i so queer about this? oh yeah, because i kiss men. what? what? up the butt. well, i think it's about time i part from the keybord and finish watching my movie. until next, month? 10 conspiracy theories.

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